I think I'm going crazy

I'm having a lot of trouble remembering things. I'm back in Montana now and sometimes I can't remember where I am. Sometimes I think I'm still in Laramie. Sometimes I have no idea. I'm kind of worried. Is it sleep deprivation? or is this a symptom of something worse?

This is a story I wrote

Of Love, Death and the Wyoming Wind

Spring

The doctor says words I can’t quite make out. One word comes through loud and clear though. Cancer.

I am tired. So very tired. Some days I can’t be bothered to move and others I can’t keep anything down. There are other days where I am okay. On those days I go for walks. There is a park near my house. I don’t have much in the way of stamina anymore so I never seem to make it much past that park. There is this huge cottonwood at the park’s center and that is where I usually have to sit down. After the first few times of sitting on the hard ground I got smart and started bringing a blanket to sit on and a book I could pretend to read.

I usually get to my tree about 11 in the morning and stay all day. Every day at 3:10 the same man walks past my tree. He always smiles at me and I smile back. He never stops, just continues on his way. I like seeing him.

Summer

I started a new round of treatments and I am so sick that I don’t leave the house. My sister moved in with me so that she can keep an eye on me. I miss being independent. I miss my tree.

I have decided to try to take a walk today. I make it to the park and my strength is all but gone. I see my tree and I see the man sitting below it. He sees me and waves. It is the same man who smiles as he passes every day. I approach the tree and I see that he has spread out a blanket.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” I reply.

“I missed you.”

“You don’t even know who I am,” I reply again.

“Didn’t stop me from missing you,” he says and I smile.

“I need to sit down,” I say.

“Please join me,” he rises to his knees and shuffles over so that I can sit with my back to the cottonwood. I sit down and sigh. I smile to myself.

“My name is Craig.”

“I’m May.”

We sit in silence for a while.

“So… what do you have?” He asks without looking directly at me.

I turn and look at him, he won’t meet my eyes.

“What do you mean?” I ask him.

“I’ve seen you pretty much every day for months. You’re getting thinner, you’re coloring is changing and the way you move is like you’re in pain. All of that coupled with your absence from the park for the last two weeks leads me to believe you are sick. Cancer?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry,”

“Not your fault.”

“I know, still makes me sad,” he says.

I laugh. I can’t help it. Craig turns to look at me finally and he smiles.

“I don’t know if you’re creepy or just extra honest,” I say.

“I’m gonna go with extra honest. I’ve decided to say what’s on my mind. I’m so tired of the games people play, all the wasted time.” He smiles again.

“Like walking past a girl every day for months and never saying a word to her?” I say.

“In my defense I was terrified.”

“What, why?” I ask

“A very pretty girl sitting under the tree where… Well that’s not important, but you smiled at me with this warmth and… well this love in your eyes. I haven’t seen any girl look at me that way. It was scary,” he says with his face serious.

“I’m sorry that I’m so scary.”

“You’re forgiven as long as you don’t stop doing it.”

“Craig I do believe that you are a smart ass.”

“Yes May, I am indeed.” We laugh.

Fall

The chill of the fall is enhanced by the constant blowing of the wind. All of my hair had fallen out by September. Craig doesn’t care. He tells me that I’m beautiful. He tells me that he loves me. He tells me of all the things we will do when I am better. I like it when he talks like that. I know better though. I know I won’t get better. I know that I won’t see Christmas.

The doctor asks if I have put everything in order for my family. Craig threw him out of my hospital room.

“May, I love you. Please don’t leave me.” Craig says when he’s calmed down.

“That’s not up to me Craig.”

“The tree where we met…That is the same tree where I met my first wife.”

“You were married?” I ask astonished.

“She left me. She never loved me. That’s why I was so scared when I first saw you. I was remembering her.”

“I’m not her, Craig. I love you, but I won’t be around for much longer.”

“Why is life like this, May? I am given someone like you just to have you taken away again? Why must we struggle like this?”

“Life is a struggle, Craig. It is a long, hard, beautiful, painful struggle. What matters in the end is how we deal with it, how we help those around us. You have helped me, Craig. Please remember that.” I can’t hold back my tears any longer. They spill down my cheeks. Craig starts to cry too. We hold each other for a long time.

Winter

“Family of May Jones?” The woman’s voice was clear and loud.

“Yes?” Craig sprang to his feet, hopeful.

“I’m sorry, she’s gone.”

Craig seemed to deflate. He knees gave way. He was saved from hitting the floor by May’s dad. Both men cried. After a while they pulled themselves together. There were things to be done. Craig went home and went into his bathroom. There was something yellow on the mirror, a sticky note. It was in May’s handwriting and it said, “Remember always my darling, You are loved.”Craig cried again.

running

I'm moving to Montana. I tell people that it's because I got a job up there. The truth is that I got the job after I decided to move. It was a lot of little things that added up over time. The deciding factor was my roommate Nicole. I decided that I needed to get away from her. I discovered that I have a tendency to let people use me. I realized that she was the one exploiting me more than anyone. I fix clothes for friends. All of them pay me in money or food or favors, all except her. She broke two of my mixing bowls and then tried to make it my fault for not putting them in the cabinet in the way that she would do it. I am done with her and I want a fresh start. Hopefully I will learned something from this other than I never want to have a roommate again. 

I am running away and I want to pretend that I will not be missed and that I will be missed terribly at the exact same time. 

I feel like such a girl. Tyler is right, I am not a romantic. I want to be sometimes. I sometimes want to be swept off my feet, but at the same time I don’t want to ever get married. 

I definitely want to have children, but the spouse I’m not so sure about all the time. I think Jeremiah might have been flirting with me at work today. He came and helped me clean the men’s bathroom. I wondered if he showed this same attention to everyone else or if it was just me. I just don’t know, but I think it’s just me. He talks to me about things like his motorcycle accidents and all his broken bones. He is cute, hansom even. As I was leaving today I said something about him being married. He said that he wasn’t married; the ring that he wore on the middle finger of his left hand was his real father’s wedding ring. He said it was all he had of him. I showed him my ring, also on the middle finger of my left hand. He said that they almost matched. His is white gold and mine is silver though.