I am lonely. I hate this feeling.
I was invited to or knew about the weddings of something like sixteen of my friends this summer. I thought I was fine, I thought that it didn't really bother me until I was on facebook just now looking at Gary and Ciara's wedding album. I heart broke a little and it all came crashing in on me that I don't have that. I don't have someone to be there and to love me for time and all eternity.
I have a reoccurring dream about a man named Craig. I don't know this man in real life. I've only met one Craig that I can think of and the body types are different. Craig is always in these dreams as my husband, my protector, or the man raping me. There are variations and combinations of these three roles, but usually Craig is just there to hold me, to comfort me and to make me feel like everything is going to be alright.
The first time I met Dream Craig (DC because I am lazy) I was dreaming about a zombie apocalypse. Some friends and I were taking shelter in out churches stake center. It is winter and there is a terrible blizzard. I hear someone at the door and I go and let them in. Outside is a young woman and a small boy. The woman is badly injured. I scream for help and DC and a few other come and help me carry the two of them in. I go back out and there is a basket, like the kind for knitting afghans, big and flexible. I take it and bring it in. There is a baby in it. The woman tells me to take care of the children. I take the little boy and the baby girl. There is no shower in the Stake center so I tell the Elders to fill the baptismal font with warm water. I take the children and get them warm in the water.
When the children were warm I wrapped them in towels that magically appeared. I come out to find that their mother has died. The men dispose of her body while I keep the children occupied. The little boy won't tell me his name so I name him Scott and I name the baby Anna. It is now that I remember that there are people looking for small children
Since these dreams started I have never felt more alone. Nearly every night I feel like there is someone there to hold me and to love me and I wake to the world I live in where I feel isolated in a crowd. and there always seems to be a crowd.
