I think I'm going crazy

I'm having a lot of trouble remembering things. I'm back in Montana now and sometimes I can't remember where I am. Sometimes I think I'm still in Laramie. Sometimes I have no idea. I'm kind of worried. Is it sleep deprivation? or is this a symptom of something worse?

This is a story I wrote

Of Love, Death and the Wyoming Wind

Spring

The doctor says words I can’t quite make out. One word comes through loud and clear though. Cancer.

I am tired. So very tired. Some days I can’t be bothered to move and others I can’t keep anything down. There are other days where I am okay. On those days I go for walks. There is a park near my house. I don’t have much in the way of stamina anymore so I never seem to make it much past that park. There is this huge cottonwood at the park’s center and that is where I usually have to sit down. After the first few times of sitting on the hard ground I got smart and started bringing a blanket to sit on and a book I could pretend to read.

I usually get to my tree about 11 in the morning and stay all day. Every day at 3:10 the same man walks past my tree. He always smiles at me and I smile back. He never stops, just continues on his way. I like seeing him.

Summer

I started a new round of treatments and I am so sick that I don’t leave the house. My sister moved in with me so that she can keep an eye on me. I miss being independent. I miss my tree.

I have decided to try to take a walk today. I make it to the park and my strength is all but gone. I see my tree and I see the man sitting below it. He sees me and waves. It is the same man who smiles as he passes every day. I approach the tree and I see that he has spread out a blanket.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” I reply.

“I missed you.”

“You don’t even know who I am,” I reply again.

“Didn’t stop me from missing you,” he says and I smile.

“I need to sit down,” I say.

“Please join me,” he rises to his knees and shuffles over so that I can sit with my back to the cottonwood. I sit down and sigh. I smile to myself.

“My name is Craig.”

“I’m May.”

We sit in silence for a while.

“So… what do you have?” He asks without looking directly at me.

I turn and look at him, he won’t meet my eyes.

“What do you mean?” I ask him.

“I’ve seen you pretty much every day for months. You’re getting thinner, you’re coloring is changing and the way you move is like you’re in pain. All of that coupled with your absence from the park for the last two weeks leads me to believe you are sick. Cancer?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry,”

“Not your fault.”

“I know, still makes me sad,” he says.

I laugh. I can’t help it. Craig turns to look at me finally and he smiles.

“I don’t know if you’re creepy or just extra honest,” I say.

“I’m gonna go with extra honest. I’ve decided to say what’s on my mind. I’m so tired of the games people play, all the wasted time.” He smiles again.

“Like walking past a girl every day for months and never saying a word to her?” I say.

“In my defense I was terrified.”

“What, why?” I ask

“A very pretty girl sitting under the tree where… Well that’s not important, but you smiled at me with this warmth and… well this love in your eyes. I haven’t seen any girl look at me that way. It was scary,” he says with his face serious.

“I’m sorry that I’m so scary.”

“You’re forgiven as long as you don’t stop doing it.”

“Craig I do believe that you are a smart ass.”

“Yes May, I am indeed.” We laugh.

Fall

The chill of the fall is enhanced by the constant blowing of the wind. All of my hair had fallen out by September. Craig doesn’t care. He tells me that I’m beautiful. He tells me that he loves me. He tells me of all the things we will do when I am better. I like it when he talks like that. I know better though. I know I won’t get better. I know that I won’t see Christmas.

The doctor asks if I have put everything in order for my family. Craig threw him out of my hospital room.

“May, I love you. Please don’t leave me.” Craig says when he’s calmed down.

“That’s not up to me Craig.”

“The tree where we met…That is the same tree where I met my first wife.”

“You were married?” I ask astonished.

“She left me. She never loved me. That’s why I was so scared when I first saw you. I was remembering her.”

“I’m not her, Craig. I love you, but I won’t be around for much longer.”

“Why is life like this, May? I am given someone like you just to have you taken away again? Why must we struggle like this?”

“Life is a struggle, Craig. It is a long, hard, beautiful, painful struggle. What matters in the end is how we deal with it, how we help those around us. You have helped me, Craig. Please remember that.” I can’t hold back my tears any longer. They spill down my cheeks. Craig starts to cry too. We hold each other for a long time.

Winter

“Family of May Jones?” The woman’s voice was clear and loud.

“Yes?” Craig sprang to his feet, hopeful.

“I’m sorry, she’s gone.”

Craig seemed to deflate. He knees gave way. He was saved from hitting the floor by May’s dad. Both men cried. After a while they pulled themselves together. There were things to be done. Craig went home and went into his bathroom. There was something yellow on the mirror, a sticky note. It was in May’s handwriting and it said, “Remember always my darling, You are loved.”Craig cried again.

running

I'm moving to Montana. I tell people that it's because I got a job up there. The truth is that I got the job after I decided to move. It was a lot of little things that added up over time. The deciding factor was my roommate Nicole. I decided that I needed to get away from her. I discovered that I have a tendency to let people use me. I realized that she was the one exploiting me more than anyone. I fix clothes for friends. All of them pay me in money or food or favors, all except her. She broke two of my mixing bowls and then tried to make it my fault for not putting them in the cabinet in the way that she would do it. I am done with her and I want a fresh start. Hopefully I will learned something from this other than I never want to have a roommate again. 

I am running away and I want to pretend that I will not be missed and that I will be missed terribly at the exact same time. 

I feel like such a girl. Tyler is right, I am not a romantic. I want to be sometimes. I sometimes want to be swept off my feet, but at the same time I don’t want to ever get married. 

I definitely want to have children, but the spouse I’m not so sure about all the time. I think Jeremiah might have been flirting with me at work today. He came and helped me clean the men’s bathroom. I wondered if he showed this same attention to everyone else or if it was just me. I just don’t know, but I think it’s just me. He talks to me about things like his motorcycle accidents and all his broken bones. He is cute, hansom even. As I was leaving today I said something about him being married. He said that he wasn’t married; the ring that he wore on the middle finger of his left hand was his real father’s wedding ring. He said it was all he had of him. I showed him my ring, also on the middle finger of my left hand. He said that they almost matched. His is white gold and mine is silver though.

My new project

I call it Bud's Girl

Bud used to tell me that every good story starts in the middle. I guess that’s where my story starts too. My name is Kalyana.

I used to work in a bookstore called Hender’s. It’s this little shop in the old town district. It’s a nice area, trees, parks and lots of quaint little shops. Hender’s is where I first met Mal and if my story has a beginning it would be there. The day I met Mal is the day that everything changed.

I was putting away books. The books always seemed to need to be put on the bottom shelf when customers walked in the store. I swear I spent half my time on my knees in those days. I was on my knees when Mal approached me from behind and asked if I could help him find a book. I looked up at him and smiled politely.

“Which book are you looking for? We’ve got a few as you can see.” He smiled down at me. It struck me that he was rather hansom.

“The one that I am looking for is called ‘Plot it yourself.’” I noticed his eyes and I also noticed that his smile didn’t spread to them.

“I don’t think I have that one, but I can look it up if you like.”

“Yes, thank you.”

I stood and motioned for him to proceed me to the desk where the computer was set. Instead he bowed slightly and backed up a step to let me pass.

“You’re quite the gentleman and such a fun accent too. England?”

He laughed and the smile on his lips finally spread to his eyes.

“Yes. I’m from a small village in the north and I do try to be a gentleman on occasion.” He replied.

“Lucky me, I get to see one of those occasions.”

He laughed again, more heartily this time.

“My name is Mallory. Mallory Madison.”

“Mine is Kalyana. It’s nice to meet you Mr. Madison.”

“It is to meet you too, Miss Ana.”

“No my name is Kalyana, just one word. You may call me Kaly if you want.”

“In that case you may call me Mal.”

I must have blushed a little or something because his self assured smile faltered. He looked like he wanted to say something desperately. I decided to take pity on him.

“Well let’s have a look for that book, shall we?” I said extra cheerfully.

“I would like that very much. The title is ‘Plot it yourself.’ It’s a Nero Wolfe mystery.”

“I know those, Rex Stout is the author right?”

“Correct.” His face seemed to brighten and I couldn’t help smiling back at him.

I checked the computer’s inventory database and found the correct entry. We didn’t have a copy.

“I don’t have it in the store. Would you like to see if I can order one for you? It shouldn’t take that long to get here.”

“No, thank you.” He was looking at me very intently.

“Alright, is there anything else that I can do for you today?”

“Yes, there is.” He said.

I waited for him to continue. He just looked at me and smiled. His gaze was intense and it was starting to unnerve me. Finally I got tired of waiting.

“Well, what is it that I do for you?” I asked.

“Call me by my name.” It was a command, not a question.

“What is it that I can do for you Mal?”

“Have dinner with me tonight. 7:30?” Only the time was a question.

“Uh, that sounds nice, but…”

“Kalyana!!!” I had turned my back to the shop’s door and someone else had come in without me hearing them. I spun around and there stood Bud.

“Hey, Bud! Just give me…” I didn’t get to finish my sentence because Bud rushed in and picked me up. He spun me around once before setting me down and hugging me tightly.

“I missed you, Kaly.” He spoke quietly in to the hair just above my ear.

“I missed you too, but you were only gone a week.”

“A week can be a long time Kaly.” I laughed and I could smell him. Bud always smelled good. I heard a quiet cough behind me and I remembered what I was supposed to be doing.

“Bud? Bud!”

“What?” He asked innocently.

“I need to work now,” I said.

“Oh, okay.” He gave me an affectionate squeeze before he let me go. Bud looked down at me, his face serious and he held my gaze with his beautiful green eyes. I hadn’t really noticed before how beautiful Bud’s eyes were. “Kaly, you are to call me when you get off.”

“I will, I promise.”

There was another quiet cough behind me.

“Sorry.” I looked briefly behind me. “Bud, two minutes after I clock out I promise.”

Bud smiled broadly, waved at me and left.

“I’m sorry, Mal.” I said as I turned back to face him.

“So I take it you have plans for tonight?”

“Yes I do, perhaps another time. Is there anything else for you today?”

The look in Mal’s eyes was starting to creep me out. I had begun to wish that he would just go away.

“No, I suppose not. Have a pleasant evening, Miss Kalyana.”

“Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Madison.”

He gave me half a smile and left the shop. I thought that would be the end of it.

It was not.

For the next few hours I alternated between concentrating on work and wondering what was going on with Bud. He had never been much of a hugger, at least not with me. I love hugs and I would occasionally demand hugs from him and he would taunt me that I was affection starved and we would laugh. I finished the stocking and figured out what was wrong with the bell on the door. I didn’t want anyone else sneaking in on me.

At seven it was time to close the shop and at 7:15 I locked the door and began to walk to my car. I dialed Bud’s number while I waited to cross the street to get to my car. I waited two rings and he answered.

“Hello beautiful!”

“That’s a fun, new way for you to answer the phone.”

“I speak only the truth. What’s your plan for tonight?” he asked.

“I’m making dinner for Grandpa, after that nothing. What about you?”

“Well that depends on your next answer.”

“Oh, really?” I was beginning to enjoy the banter. The traffic was light and I didn’t have to wait long to cross the street. I stood next to my car as I dug in my bag for the keys. “What is it that you would like to… What the crap?” There was a loud revving behind me that had distracted me. It was the deep revving of a large vehicle.

“What is it, Kaly?” Bud asked.

I turned to see a large van pulling up fast. It stopped beside me. Its side door was already open and there was a man crouched in the opening. He was wearing a mask. I screamed and ran. I made it to the sidewalk on the other side of my car, but the man in the mask was too quick for me. He caught me by the arm and pulled me toward him. I still had the phone so I screamed into it, “Bud, I’m being kidnapped! Call the Police!”

The masked man hit me across the face and I dropped the phone. He pulled me to him. I fought him, but he was strong. He was stronger than I was. His hand covered my nose and mouth and for one absurd moment I thought that his hand was really fluffy.

My last conscious thought was, “No my darling. That would be the rag in his hand.”

“Kaly? Kalyana?!” Bud screamed into his phone. 

He was sitting on his living room couch. Nearby two people were playing a videogame. Fidelity Corin Hinkley looked from the TV’s screen when she heard Bud’s scream. James looked at his roommate too. James was the first to speak again.

“Bud, what’s going on?”

“Kaly, she said she was being kidnapped.”

“What?!” Fidelity screamed. She pulled out her phone and dialed a number from her contact list. “It’s Fidelity Corin. A friend of mine has been taken.” There was a pause and then, “Understood.”

Speaking to the men she said, “We need to go to where she was taken from. James, call 911.” James pulled out his phone and dialed while Bud began to search for his keys.

“Police want to know where she was taken from.”

“Probably in front of her store. Bud?” Bud nodded. James relayed the location and the three of them headed for Bud’s Jeep.

There was bright light streaming in when I woke up. I couldn’t make anything out. My head was throbbing. I got myself together enough to try and sit up. I was in a bed. The sheets were soft and the blankets were warm. All the blood rushed from my head, my vision went dark and I fell back.

It was dark when I opened my eyes again.

“Hello beautiful. Welcome back to the living.” I knew that voice, but I couldn’t place where I knew it from.

“My head hurts.” I grumbled.

“I know. I’m sorry Kaly,” said the voice.

“Where am I?” The fog had started to lift a little and I was beginning feel scared.

“You are safe.”

“Where are my clothes?” I was wearing a white cotton slip and nothing else.

“They are not here.”

My vision was coming back now. I was beginning to be able to distinguish shapes around the room. I sat up and I found his face. Mallory Madison.

“Why am I here?”

“Why won’t you say my name?” Mal’s voice sounded tired and sad.

“Answer my questions and I’ll call you by your name.” I was really becoming frightened now. It took everything I had left to keep my voice steady. Mal took a long pause.

“You are here, because I wanted you here.”

“What in the hell does that mean, Mal?”

“Kaly, I don’t know how to explain it without making myself sound worse.”

“Try.” I had been praying that this was all just a bad dream. I had hoped to wake up at any moment. Mal’s next speech broke that hope.

“Kaly, I am in need of a wife. I consulted an expert in finding the right people. She told me to go to that God forsaken town and into your little store. She told me what to do and what to ask for and what you might say. She told me what the responses of my future wife would be, your responses Kaly. She told me you would be my wife, but only if we. It doesn’t matter. Kaly I didn’t believe her. I didn’t believe one word she said until I saw you. Your beauty, the love that surrounds you like a, a halo, those are what convinced me that you were the one. When that boy came and threatened to take you away, I became frightened. I acted without regard to the consequences, but what’s done is done.” Mal’s voice had grown quieter the longer he talked. In his last sentence Mal’s voice cracked. We sat in silence for what felt like a long time.

“I want to go home. Mal, take me home.”

“I can’t Kaly. I’m sorry.”

“Mal please! Take me home, I want to go home, I want to be at my home!” I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer and once they came I couldn’t stop them. Mal was growing more uncomfortable by the moment.

“Kaly, I’m sorry. This is your home now.”

I continued to sob.

“Try to get some rest.” Mal stood and walked to the ornate door behind him. He looked back at me. Just like in the book store he looked like he wanted to say something desperately.

“I’m sorry Kaly. I wish that there was another way.” He left the room. I gathered the blankets around me tightly and tried to control myself. Eventually my pounding head forced me to lie back down.

By the time Bud, Fidelity and James arrived in front of the store the police were already there and a crowd had gathered.

My heart hurts today

I am lonely. I hate this feeling.

I was invited to or knew about the weddings of something like sixteen of my friends this summer. I thought I was fine, I thought that it didn't really bother me until I was on facebook just now looking at Gary and Ciara's wedding album. I heart broke a little and it all came crashing in on me that I don't have that. I don't have someone to be there and to love me for time and all eternity.

I have a reoccurring dream about a man named Craig. I don't know this man in real life. I've only met one Craig that I can think of and the body types are different. Craig is always in these dreams as my husband, my protector, or the man raping me. There are variations and combinations of these three roles, but usually Craig is just there to hold me, to comfort me and to make me feel like everything is going to be alright.

The first time I met Dream Craig (DC because I am lazy) I was dreaming about a zombie apocalypse. Some friends and I were taking shelter in out churches stake center. It is winter and there is a terrible blizzard. I hear someone at the door and I go and let them in. Outside is a young woman and a small boy. The woman is badly injured. I scream for help and DC and a few other come and help me carry the two of them in. I go back out and there is a basket, like the kind for knitting afghans, big and flexible. I take it and bring it in. There is a baby in it. The woman tells me to take care of the children. I take the little boy and the baby girl. There is no shower in the Stake center so I tell the Elders to fill the baptismal font with warm water. I take the children and get them warm in the water.

When the children were warm  I wrapped them in towels that magically appeared. I come out to find that their mother has died. The men dispose of her body while I keep the children occupied. The little boy won't tell me his name so I name him Scott and I name the baby Anna. It is now that I remember that there are people looking for small children

Since these dreams started I have never felt more alone. Nearly every night I feel like there is someone there to hold me and to love me and I wake to the world I live in where I feel isolated in a crowd. and there always seems to be a crowd.

New Homes and the urge to flee

I have had the urge to flee for some time now. Yesterday was the anniversary of my baptism and today is the anniversary of my confirmation. One year ago today I officially joined my Church and this culture and one year is the longest I have ever been in one place with one group of friends. Previous to this my record was 8 and 1/2 months. I get these urges to cut ties and just start over at about 6 months into any given situation. I am having real trouble right now. I really want to leave and start from scratch. Starting over is really rather easy for me. I've done it so much that it's like second nature now, but I seem to mean something to these people. This is really a new experience.

I am pretty sure that no one besides me is even aware that this blog exists so I can finally be completely honest. I am very smart. My IQ is 144 so I have a great ability to reason my way around things and I can read people very well. People tell me things that, according to them, they have never told anybody before. I can make people believe that I am their friend and that I care very deeply for them. This is not usually the case. I have a disturbing habit of changing who I seem to be to suit any situation. In a group of Molly Mormons for example I know all of the right things to say and do and in a group of gay people I can do just the same thing as when I am with the Mormons. I have these abilities and I know that if I wanted to I could take serious advantage of people. Thankfully this holds little appeal for me. My parents did a good job of beating financial honesty into me. (I have to specify because I lie a lot, but I do not steal)

My church has brought great joy and peace into my life, but I am still waiting it seems for the other shoe to drop.

Aside from anything else I will have to stay here for another year at least. I have just signed the lease on my new apartment. I am sharing with two girls from church. I really hope that this goes well. I think that it will because the new place has that indescribable feeling of being home. I have been without that for a while. We start moving furniture in this week. It will be good. I have decided.

I have the best friends ever

So I was at a movie night at John and Sam's house and I was wearing my sparkly fake gem ring. well one thing lead to another and Sam wanted to try it on and John suggested that we take a picture of Sam wearing it and again one thing lead to another and I put on the sparkly ring like it was an engagement ring and Sam put on my plain ring on his ring finger and John took a picture of just our two hands. Then we got the idea to have Sam in a fake engagement so we friended Sam and my fake Facebook profile and put them in a relationship. Within seconds Sam had IMs asking who the girl was. :) We're going to wait a few days before putting up the ring picture and announcing the engagement. Our friends are going to hate us. :)

I often wish...

I often wish that people could see who I really am because I feel that I am a fraud. The people around me seem to see me as one of two things, I am either a saint who takes care of everyone or I am fragile and need to be taken care of.

I am neither in my opinion.

As I put in the about me section I believe fervently that I am a selfish person. I am not exaggerating when I say that I live only for my own amusement. It is fortunate that making others smile and laugh amuses me.

I was clearing out my email inbox today and I came across some old letters from my sister. It would appear that selfishness runs in the family.